Op-Ed: Keep Doing What You're Doing, Mr. President
By Sam Youngman & Adam Parkhomenko
Mr. President —
We are writing to tell you how much we are enjoying your campaign, and to ask you to not change a thing down the homestretch. We agree with you that it is totally unfair that you’re being muted at Thursday night’s debate, and we hope you won’t let it stop you from showing everyone who you really are.
Please don’t let the fact that we work for Democrats and want you to suffer defeat, humiliation and a long prison sentence color how you receive our advice. While it’s true we think you are the most corrupt, dim-witted piece of human garbage to ever step foot in the White House, we can’t help cheering you on as you flail about.
So please, for the next week or so, keep talking. Talk louder. Dance like nobody’s watching or dying from a deadly virus. Tweet as much as you like. Trust your instincts. In general, just be yourself and make sure the voters see it.
When a strong, accomplished woman journalist asks you basic questions about your fumbling of a deadly pandemic, storm out. Make a scene. Draw more attention to your fatal mistakes and your inability to handle being challenged by a woman.
When you’re in a critical state like Pennsylvania, be sure to keep insulting the towns that are hosting you. The way you told the great people of Erie this week that you would never have visited them if you weren’t trailing in the polls was chef’s kiss fantastic.
But mostly, we want you to keep talking about the pandemic that has wrecked our country and our way of life. Keep showing everyone how little you get it — even after you got it — and how little you care.
The truth is that more than 220,000 Americans have died on your watch, and while they suffered alone, you were talking about your ratings and playing golf and whining about how you haven’t won the Nobel Peace Prize. And while that response makes you an incompetent, heartless shit-eater, we love it. Don’t stop. Don’t change a thing.
We heard you talk this week about how everyone is “sick” of talking about the pandemic and ready to move on. We’ve heard you brag about how millions would be dead if you’d done nothing at all. When you were asked what you would do differently, you said “not much.”
That is some A+ messaging, sir. Put it in an ad, and… oh that’s right. You’re broke. Again. Well, we’re sure you’ll find a way to let people know you think it’s just fine that so many Americans died on your watch.
Keep telling us we’re rounding the corner or that it will magically disappear one day. Keep reminding people that you contracted this awful virus because you were careless and you turned our White House into a petri dish. Keep threatening to give a “big kiss” to everyone who attends your super-spreader rallies.
And while we know it’s not the old days of this past summer, we sure would love to hear your greatest hits again. So don’t be afraid to dust off your thoughts on injecting bleach and sunlight or remind voters that if Blue State Americans wanted federal help, they had to ask you nicely.
As for your obsession with Hunter Biden, well, most people might think it’s pretty gross that you would attack a troubled man who has known a lot of pain and sorrow and is battling addiction. But we think it’s great that you don’t mind pouring salt in the wounds of the millions of Americans who have suffered or lost loved ones to the same disease. And just as an aside, it also looks like fantastic parenting the way you ignore your oldest son’s Tony Montana impression so you can attack a loving family that has battled this insidious affliction together.
And lastly, whatever you do please don’t sideline your personal attorney.
We know he’s got some new problems on his hands, well, when they’re not creeping down his trousers. But he is your MVP and you need him on the field. Tell him to be sure to bug his eyes out more while he’s slurring his words and denying the creepy ass behavior we’re all seeing. If he’s feeling nervous, a few more drinks should do the trick.
We’re quite confident in our ticket. Joe Biden is a good and decent man who has served this country his whole life and kept bouncing back despite enduring personal tragedies that would break so many of us, and Kamala Harris is the sharp and charismatic former prosecutor who should scare the shit out of guys like you.
But we couldn’t do it without you. So please keep talking, keep tweeting and keep doing everything you’re doing.
But we warned this offer expires on Nov. 3. After that, well, nobody wants to hear from a loser. Especially a loser who repeatedly sold out his country and his countrymen. And besides, we’ll be too busy trying to scrub out the skidmark you left on our nation’s soul to hear you.
Until then and on behalf of Democrats everywhere, just be yourself, Mr. President.
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