Op-Ed: Trump Killed the Holidays, So We’re Making A New One
By Sam Youngman & Adam Parkhomenko
Well, you’re not going to believe this, but we just got off the phone with Santa Claus.
It started out as a routine call to see where we were falling on the Naughty or Nice List (Adam nice; Sam naughty), and we just happened to ask Santa what he thought about the upcoming holiday season in the time of COVID.
The “ho-ho-ho” we saw coming. But the endless, profane tirade about the Trumps really caught us off-guard. Seriously. You just don’t expect to hear a guy with a belly like a bowl full of jelly drop that many f-bombs. If Don and Melania get lumps of coal instead of lumps of reindeer shit this year, they should consider themselves lucky. Because Santa is pissed.
Like a lot of people, Papa Noel is furious that the president of the United States spent months lying to us about this virus, deliberately slowing down testing, mocking and downplaying the importance of masks, talking about his television ratings, flouting all distancing guidelines, playing golf and traveling around the country personally spreading the virus like Santa’s evil murderous twin.
Mr. Kringle told us he is thrilled that there is so much good news about vaccines, but he knows that even his elves would need quite a bit of time and help to distribute them safely and effectively, and that probably won’t happen for a little while. So he’s mostly just angry.
How did the Trumps make Santa so angry?
They screwed up Christmas. And it’s not just Santa. The Easter Bunny says he was promised the virus would be gone before it was time for him to hop, hop, hop into action. Fourth of July Uncle Sams saw their big day diminished, Halloween was either stay-at-home or superspread and now the Thanksgiving Gravy Boater(?) can see the writing on the wall.
(We just want to pause here to say we really hope Megyn Kelly reads this, and we hope it makes her gasp and say “Well I never!” and then just completely combust with outrage. Also, the Thanksgiving Gravy Boater would be a great mascot but for some reason it sounds kinda Trumpy.)
Yeah, not only did the Trumps not end the war on Christmas, they escalated it to take out the whole damn holiday calendar like a cross between Ebenezer Scrooge and John Wick. You’ve heard how Melania cusses Christmas. Just imagine how she talks about the other holidays.
Unfortunately, neither the awfulness of the Trumps nor the events of the past year can be reversed. We are very much in a deadly pandemic, and it is very much surging around the nation as Republicans focus their efforts on consoling a deluded and weepy outgoing president instead of helping people.
So after consulting with Santa and non-Fox News doctors, we decided we’re going to skip big holiday functions this holiday season. Like Santa, we are pretty pissed off about it. And when we hear right-wing nutjobs telling their drooling flocks that “the left” wants to cancel the holidays, we get even madder.
For the record, unlike the first lady, we love Christmas. We love Thanksgiving. We love the food, the cheer, the traditions. We love living in a country where Americans can celebrate the holiday season however they want for whatever reasons they want.
We also love our families, so we don’t want them to get sick or die. Which is why we’re bagging the big celebrations this year. The virus doesn’t care what the calendar says, and since the president doesn’t care about the virus or the American people, the holidays are going to suffer. It sucks and it’s unfair and it’s what happens when you elect a narcissistic dumbass who thinks invisible planes are real as president.
But Americans know how to sacrifice. Many military families spend the holidays without loved ones every year. And if we have to grit our teeth and scale down so our loved ones will be around for future holidays, then to us that’s a no-brainer.
Let’s say that again for the dumb people in red hats: We don’t hate Christmas. We just love our families and don’t want to kill them.
We don’t mean to be glib. This is painful, and it’s going to hurt for a lot of people. For people who are religious and people who aren’t, it is a spiritual time of year, and it will be difficult to go without some of the parts of the season we love so much. So allow us to offer a glimmer of hope — we’re proposing a new holiday.
Norange Day will be held in May or after the vaccine has been widely distributed, and it will be a national celebration. We were going to call it Donald Trump And His STDs Can Rot in Hell Day, but we didn’t want to scare off Hallmark so we just combined the words no and orange.
It won’t have the same gravitas or deep spiritual meaning that Christmas has, but we promise it will be one helluva party, a post-pandemic, post-Trump orgy of excess where we hug our families and sing songs and eat way too much and mourn what we’ve lost and celebrate the future. It’s gonna be the best Norange Day ever.
And if we’re all really good about not killing our families this year, then we think we can convince a special somebody in a red suit and hat to make a cameo.
It’ll be a Norange Day miracle, and the Trumps aren’t invited.
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